I was desperate for answers. Life had gotten so grim and distasteful that suicide seemed like a welcome release. It was evident that my life had hit an all time low and was wallowing in the dregs of humanity. I had scarcely any money with a low-paying, part-time job. The cars that I did have ceased to work, and my life seemed pointless, with no direction and what felt like no hope for a better future. My philosophy had been, “Do what makes you feel good and go after living it up for life is short.” I had spent many years heavy into drug use and being a hellion; I was a rebel with what felt like a cause (though I never had fully figured it out). But at this certain point in life, I came to wit’s very end and I felt trapped and in despair as to what I was to do. I spent hours outside, late at night, looking at a magnolia tree and just trying to figure everything out. Questions like these plagued me: Who am I? What am I to be? What is the purpose of life? Who is in charge of our existence? What does the future hold? At this most desperate and dark hour, the light shone the brightest; when flat on my back, I was then prepared to look up. It was then that I turned to the only source that ever had brought any peace when I desperately needed it before–just reading the Bible.
I still remember reading in Proverbs chapters such as this one that delineates between the good and evil, the wise and the foolish, the righteous and the wicked, with passages like, “Righteousness keepeth him that is upright in the way: but wickedness overthroweth the sinner.” I saw descriptions of what constituted the wise and the foolish and I saw my own life, almost verbatim, depicted in the life of the foolish–the wicked; for “a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame;” and “the way of transgressors is hard.” I saw for the first time in years that I had not been using what I was created with–my brain. I saw that those I chose to keep company with were no good for me and only brought me low: “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” For the first time it dawned on me that doing what is pure and right and good would bring rich rewards, and that doing foolishly and perversely will bring only a harvest of trouble: “Evil pursueth sinners: but to the righteous good shall be repayed.” I had wondered at how infatuated I had become with perversity. Conviction gripped my desperate heart and I finally yielded all to God, accepting Jesus as my Savior, and accepting the Bible as the Sourcebook of life.
I kept reading and praying most earnestly even into the wee hours of the morning; a new life was dawning–joy and hope and peace I had never experienced came. It was a struggle, but well worth it. The first thing that I saw I had to conquer was my mouth: “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.” I was a great clown and jokester, but I saw that the Spirit of the Lord and this spirit were not compatible. I now was starting to experience the true riches in life: “There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches.” Those riches were the treasures of Wisdom, of God’s word applied to the life. Yea, the life will not be immune from stumbling and troubles, but the lowest valleys with Christ in my life have been far higher than the tallest mountains without Him. There is so much more to say. . . .
May you hold fast to the gold that never ceases to glitter,